Dear Rabbi,

I am finding it really hard to find a Jewish girlfriend.  Is it better to intermarry than to not marry at all?  My thoughts are that if I do not marry, I will not have children, but if I do marry (even if it is to someone who is not Jewish) at least I will have children who may decide to practice Judaism when they become adults.

Sincerly,
Searching for Someone

Rabbi Robert B. Barr is the rabbi of Congregation Beth Adam and a member of the Greater Cincinnati Board of Rabbis.  Rabbi Barr has an audio blog that can be downloaded from www.bethadam.org or from iTunes.

Answer from Rabbi Barr:

 I sense in your letter your genuine concern and personal struggle.  While this may be of little comfort, please know that you’re not the only one facing this dilemma.  The reality is many Jewish individuals realize they may not find a Jewish spouse for a variety of reasons.  My response cannot address the structural reality of Jewish life in America; it responds to what you as an individual currently face.

While you addressed your question to a rabbi, I believe that this is a question you need to answer.  You need to explore your own thoughts and feelings.  Listed below are some questions to ponder.  These aren’t trick questions meant to bring you to any particular conclusion; they are designed to help you consider the implications of your decision.  The reality is no matter what the “Jewish community response” is, if you date and marry a non-Jewish woman, you need to feel comfortable with your decision.  It is your life, your happiness, and your future. 

What are your values and from where do they derive?

How important is your Jewish identity to you?

What is your religious practice?  Does it play a major role in your life?

If you were to marry a non-Jew, would you support her in her religious practice?

Would you be uncomfortable having non-Jewish celebrations in your home?

Could you consider raising your children anything but Jewish?

Would you feel a sense of loss if your children didn’t self-identify with the Jewish community?

Only you know how core your Judaism is to you.  Once you have a clear sense of who you are and what you value, you will be able to make a decision and express it to those you meet. 

Obviously, there are many ways dating and marrying a non-Jewish woman may resolve itself.  Not only is it dependent on you, but it will also be determined by the person you date/marry and her feelings about religion.  I believe the greatest struggle exists when both individuals are deeply committed to their respective religions and cannot see their children being raised in another tradition.  Honesty, self understanding, and willingness to openly communicate are essential.

As for the Jewish community’s response, it needs to be respectful, open and supportive.  While within the Jewish community there are different definitions of “who is a Jew,” and different approaches to Jewish practice, our responsibility as Jews is to reach out to individuals and couples.  The Jewish community should be open enough that you will find a place in it.  While there will be those in the Jewish community who will not be supportive of you, know that they do not represent the entire Jewish community.  There are many who want to support you.

I wish you well on your journey of self discovery.