Dear Rabbi:

I recently got engaged to my boyfriend of 3 years. We are planning a wedding for next summer. My family loves him very much, but really wants him to convert to Judaism. We have discussed religion and our relationship and he agrees that we can raise our children Jewish. Should I ask my fiancé to officially convert to Judaism, or is the agreement to raise our children Jewish enough?

Sincerely,
Questioning Conversion

Rabbi Heyn is a community rabbi and chaplain as well as a professional musician. He also serves as the music director at Congregation B'nai Tzedek and teaches at Mercaz High School.  His website address is an easy one to remember: www.RabbiTom.com.  Rabbi Heyn is also a member of the Greater Cincinnati Board of Rabbis.

Dear Questioning Conversion,

First of all, mazel tov on your engagement! Mazel tov, as well, on the good choices you have made such as choosing to sanctify a promising relationship and choosing to raise your children as practicing Jews. Asking a rabbi for advice is also a good choice, I should add, especially when considering important questions like the one you have raised. But regardless of what any rabbi might tell you, the right answer to this question will depend on a few more choices you have yet to make. Here are your three basic options:

1) From a strictly traditional perspective, it would be unthinkable for you to marry a non-Jew. You would risk being cut off from your family and community. If this describes your situation presently, either have your boyfriend convert or say goodbye to him -- or to your family. If, under these circumstances, he still loves you and wants to marry you, he'll gladly convert.

2) Assuming that you, or your family, are not as strictly traditional (as described above) but you want to honor their wishes, you might ask your boyfriend if he would meet with a rabbi to discuss conversion. If he doesn't want to, you'll want to understand why to see if there are issues that could become a source of conflict. You don't want to violate his personal or spiritual integrity, but you will want to consider how important it is for you that your husband is Jewish. If you both agree that your intentions are well-meaning, there should be no harm in asking him to convert.

3) Your boyfriend may choose not to convert. In that case, you will probably have trouble finding a rabbi to perform a Jewish wedding, and your future husband will probably find himself feeling like, and being treated as, an outsider at family and community gatherings. For example, when he's not permitted to participate fully at his daughter's Bat Mitzvah service, how is he likely to feel about that? How are you likely to feel about that?  This could become a source of conflict or resentment. It is possible, nonetheless, that you both could enjoy a happy and successful marriage without his conversion.

In the end, it is your level of involvement in the Jewish community, and that of your family, that should determine how important it is for your future husband to become a 'Jew by choice.' As a rabbi, I am interested in seeing that our precious heritage is carried forward into the future by fully-committed Jewish parents. But with so many life-choices available today, I realize that any Jew who chooses to be a practicing Jew is a 'Jew by choice.'

The choice you must now make will have important ramifications in your relationship, your family, your community, and beyond. The broader and more inclusive your field of vision is, the more likely your choices will be good ones -- for you and for us all.  Good luck, or rather, mazel tov!

Do you think Questioning Conversion should ask her fiancé to convert?  Post your thoughts in the Voices section!